Habit.

I’m tired of being me. Random but it’s true. I live for other people happiness. If their happy then I’m happy. This kind attitude has left me broke, heartbroken, and emotional drained and confused.  To prove that this true I don’t have my own identity or personality. So shoot if me if I’m speaking such deeming words of myself. I live out of habit now I don’t see any wrong to it.

So I took upon myself to check out habit defintion (quote) so as make more sense (I think)……

A habit is something you can do without thinking - which is why most of us have so many of them.  ~Frank A. Clark.

Yes most the things I do out habit I do without thinking about its consequences.

So what epiphany descended on me this time? What brought on this Ahh moment? This year my dormant love life decided to take dramatic change (literally and figuratively) for past 2 months I’ve been putting out fires like never in my life. First it’s Wandi who decides that she’s going to blackmail into falling for her again. Out of habit of loving her I conceded.

Secondly along came Unathi and she decided well since I’m not the commitment type she going to move on with her life. I was happy for her. Problem is the grass was greener on other side it but needed trimming. So well you guessed it she is back and she is not backing down.  Out of habit I said things without of thinking………. 

 I have to put to you she got the worst timing ever, why because there just happens to be “replacement” (we going to her Miss. R) for her. Ms.R comes with own set of problems.  After the last months of roller-coaster rides trust me, I’m not going on a roller-coater soon, but now I’m being told that I’m selfish(don’t ask). How do I feel Ms.R? I don’t know.  I’m not expecting anything big but people I could do with no drama. One thing true about Ms.R is that she prone to drama. That’s how we met, and the thing is that she is on the rebound and we know full well how that will go. My habituall trait here is that I seem to sympathise a alot with people and they end up reading to much into my sympathy.  

I have a problem with easy come-easy go relationships (flings) because they tend to go nowhere until one of you decides to go into a meaningful relationship then the fireworks start. It’s either they cannot see a future without me (Unathi) or we meant to be we are soul mates (Wandi; Unathi). So I’m not supposed to move on (or have flings of my own) because this two people thimk I’m being unfair, but when they feel the need to explore other avenues I’m not to say anything (another bad habit I don’t say anything). Out of habit of seeing the good in people (forgiving) Unathi has reason to believe that we are an item again and working through our problems. Oh! Wandi has her little army doing her dirty work for her. For now that is.

All this drama came about because of I don’t know my true self. If could define myself to this people then I would not be in this mess. If could for once live for me and not for their happiness then I would not be in this mess.  If I knew my true identity then I would not be in this mess. The best way to break a bad habit is to drop it. Yes it’s easily said than done, believe me. I could drop all this bad habits but then I feel like I’d be letting a whole lot of people down. I’m so afraid of my own happiness that I prefer orchestrating other people’s happiness. I’m so afraid of the “me” that meet in my dreams that I prefer to not to become, I rather be that person without a false identity. I’m such an emotional being but I tend hide what I’m feeling well. This misleads people into think that I’m immune to the scars caused by this dramas.  

Somewhere in the near future I’m going to pick up new habits. They not going get rid of the others but, better the logic in them. The new habits will better me and my approach of dealing with my personal battles. I’m going into the habit of having fun, this means that I’m going to with the flow when it comes to Ms.R. Holds on to Unathi for the time being and  deal with Wandi when time comes.