Dear Dairy 12/08/2011
Okay today I had an epiphany, which is the perfect name for my blog. The day I created my blog I just named it randomly (pun intend). I did not dig deep within me for the name I just wrote the first thing that came to mind, which was how random it was that I did not have a name for my blog . This became evident with my first post it was very personal rather than being random…. So the epiphany came to me today as I was sitting in a sea of people. I was having my blank moments, when I real do not remember my previous thoughts. Then my mind returns to the present moment and have brand new thoughts all over again, my train of thoughts return gradually but slowly. Normally my new thoughts are not as important and as life changing as the one I had today.
The name is perfect. The name is ever thing the blog is, its fits perfectly to whole idea behind the posts. Truth is some of the posting are written by me but they are not my usual train of thoughts. Trust me I’m not that deep .You see I have this friend that believes in the super natural side of life. Her stories are unbelievable; I myself don’t believe that your ancestors can leave the comfort of their own graves, and come play tug of war within you about how you should you lead your life. So like the good friend that I’m I listen intently ask a questions here there, whilst think could this get any weirder than it already is.
It Might turn out that my ancestors suffered from the predicament that I have of insomnia, so given the chance of eternal sleep they chose not let the opportunity slip before their eyes. So who I’m I to judge, for my ancestors chose sleep over me.
So how does this fit in with the name change, I think there is more to me than what meets the eye or the senseless things that I say. I’m not admitting to multiple personality disorder, but just that I’m multidimensional compared to average street walker.
If I were a fruit I would be a grape fruit. After peeling a grapefruit you get multiple dimensions to it, which again you have to peel of the skin that covers the edible part. Yes they taste and share the same coular but they come in individual sets. Compared to an apple a citrus fruit does not have a core. Each dimension hold its own seeds, which later on can bears its own trees. So in my case you need first remove the façade to get to inside, when you get to the inside find that there is no core yet many dimension to my being that have different voices of their own, their own way of think and own way of perceiving things. For you to get to know each dimension you’ll have to let shed the other skin to get their core. Which is why from today on the blog shall be named; THE VIOCES IN MY HEAD…
Kent…
Dear Dairy 14/08/2011
I know know, I did not keep my promise of posting every week but I was never good at keeping personal promises.
Moving on swiftly, funny thing is that I feel like writing but don’t know what to write about. I’ve been trying to cut my loses with the joburgnites, so far so good even if I have to say so myself. So what I’m trying to say is that I’m back on the closet (the hiding place for those that people who are shy about their homosexuality) top shelf. I chose the top shelf so that I can have great view of the on goings of the closet. The closet is not what people perceive it to be, let me let you in on a secret; it’s as busy as a Metorail train station during a week day. Like any typical train station you get different people, from regular commuters to your long distance travellers and those that sitting on the benches waiting. Everyone having one common goal and that is to get on that train and move on to another point. Like everyone in the closet the one common goal that everyone shares is to exit at the right time, and become a liberated homosexual female or male.
So let me break it down for you. Your regular commuter are true their nature. They visit the closet regularly. They are typical good looking cocky bunch. You can not miss them in crowd. Their looks draw you in and mesmerize you into believing happily ever after exist. One thing about them is that when they get asked to describe themselves they say they get ‘bored easily’. They always tell you this to divert you from the truth which is that their as bland and unhappy as those rushing to boring and mundane office jobs on morning train. They visit the closet regularly to look for someone to stroke their ego’s, to make feel them important and worthy of love. The ride is always short and the moment they get “bored”, they throw you out (dump) like last months worthless ticket. They come back to the closet to buy the new months trips.
When it comes to long distance travellers (LDT) there are those who travel light and there are those who chose carry the whole life with them. They visit the closet seasonally like they do the train station. Compared to regular commuter’s long distance travellers are debonair. When an LDT opens the closet doors, they let in a breeze and that cause a ripple in the closet which blows away the dust from the top shelf and has everyone in the closet paying attention. Your future with an LDT is highly depend on the baggage they’re caring. Other thing to note about an LTD is everything moves at slower pace they do not offer the same adrenalin rush as your regular commuters do, and they are very protective like they are with their passports and their luggage. Once you get to know them they are very good companions and they open up more as the time goes. They will keep up with you for the duration of the trip and if it needs (when there were no fireworks and wedding bells ring) be they’ll bring you back to closet. They will change routes on the look out for better destination and other closets.
There two types of people that sit on the benches; one is holding to a on to one way ticket to anywhere and everywhere but no return ticket, and the other is waiting for someone to come and pick them up.
The one holding a ticket to anywhere and everywhere- this kind of ticket allows you to take the train and to jump on and of the train as you please. Let’s say your ticket is to joburg you can jump off at Bloemfontein
Lastly you have those that are patiently waiting for someone to come and pick them up. They are literally waiting for their soul mates. Experience has also taught them not trust anyone with their luggage or their hearts. They sit and wait in the dark corners of the closet, and only become visible and audible the moment their soul mates appear. How they know that the person that they’ve been waiting for has arrived is their best kept secret.
So which one are you? I’m the girl waiting patiently for my LDT to come and whisk me off to faraway place. I not waiting with baited breath, but for now I’m occupy my top shelf position and just look and listen out for when the next train is coming.
N.Mateza
Dear Dairy 19/08/2011
It about to go down… I’m looking for someone but I can’t find them because they might be in front of me.
Today marks the day I met her for the second time in two years. She does not have a name because I’ve never asked. First time I saw her I was at church. Yes I’m a true church goer when I’m back at home. I noticed her when both us were in the bathroom and I was talking on the phone telling a certain someone that I’m going to pray for them, to see the light and become straight. What I did not know was there was already in someone in next cubicle and they could hear me. It’s was not like I said it out loud that I’m not straight I think she must have caught on, because when came out of the cubicle and she was leaving she gave me I strange look. Since it was out town church conference I did not mind because chances were I might never see her again, because she not from my town.
Fate would not hear of it. I walk back to church and join my sister. Typical of me and my sister we are sitting with the boys and not with the girls, mostly because we can not stand girly girls and partly because we can not hold a soprano note. So two rows ahead of on the girl’s side there she is with her friends. Okay I’m very sensitive to people looking at me. Yes look at me in passing, but you should not stare. For one there is nothing much to look at and secondly you make me feel uncomfortable about myself. So the whole group of three take turns to turn at look at me. I’m fine with this because I figured she might have told them about the incident, so I don’t pay mind to it.
Somewhere after the third time she turned and looked at my side my sister noticed her. Since I was not paying attention, my sister starts nudging me saying that’s what irritates her about girls they are insecure even when they are at church (my sister figured that her boyfriend must be sitting somewhere nearby so girl was keeping her eye on him). She looks again and my sister start getting irritated she ask that we change sits, we do so from new position I can her perfectly.
This time when she turn and looks our eyes meet. I don’t keep contact I look down, and start getting the feeling that there is something that she looking at. I turn around to look at the guys behind us. None of them were fitting to be her boyfriend, it’s either they were are younger than her or older than she is, but how would I know what her preference is. I too start getting irritated because I’ve now forgotten where I’m at. I turn my attention back to church and this point, someone was summoned to pray. Since this was thanksgiving sermon and it was one of those female church leader summoned to pray, chances she going to pray for a least ten minutes, perfect time to take a nap. Yet I found my self not able fall asleep. I look up and there she was looking. I turn around deliberately just to see is who it was returning the looks; everyone was either asleep or fiddling with their phones. I turn to find that she turn back and chatting to one of her friends who decided to turn back and look at me that moment we held eye contact like 30 seconds and I looked down again. Right I’m then I was think even blind could see that this child wanted me to acknowledge (this word is used for the purpose of the church) her, but mean if defined correctly I would say flirt back.
Problem is I can’t. I don’t how too and I’m too shy to flirt back. I mean I don’t have a come hither looks or smouldering seductive eyes (I think I end up squinting when try to pull those off). She had that going for her and she knew her eyes were dangerous, trust me right then they were shining with forbidden danger. So I look up and I stare at her because now wanted to see her. She wearing an appropriate church dress however she had dropped the scarf that covered her bare back (I blamed it on the heat). I think I’m the only one in the world who has a back fetish, its strange I know. So there she I enjoying the view she must felt my eyes on her because she turned, I held her contact. She smiled and then bit her lower lip. I still hoped all this was directed to someone else who sitting behind me, yet she had me and she knew it. So for the rest of the day we kept on it. When I’m self conscious I tend to fidget. I play with my fingers. My sister asked what wrong and told that my hands were itching. She had now stopped looking every two minute, she settled for stolen moments which were more intimidating and disturbing than before. I dared not leave and go outside in the fear that she would follow me.
Having only dated one gay person and not having come to terms with my sexuality this was unnerving. I mean I’ve been around girls like her all my life and nothing ever happened. Yes if you’ve not caught on I don’t date my type. She had me taking deep breaths and praying for both our sins, but yet again thanked gawd for the blessing. I remember when church ended went out running to get air, even forgot my phone under my chair. In the hassle and bustle of looking my phone and praying that she did not have it, I bumped into by the door. I have other thing about people touching me. I don’t like people touching me randomly worse purposely like she was doing. It was not we going to fall over but she held me like I was about fall. Trust me if there was not a crowd of -holier than thou- people there I swear she would have kissed me. She saw my distress she winked, and let me go. That was back in 2010 November. It took me a long time to get over that incident, but I did.
This year I met her again this time not at church but at a social setting back at home. I knew I once saw her face somewhere but I just could not remember where. So she comes up to me and asks why is that I’m never at any youth conference? Again she speaking but her eyes is saying something else. I tell her that I’m study out of town.
Okay this holiday I think I was loose, we spoke till the cows came home (literally). I asked about last time and she told that she liked my- I don’t care- attitude. We spoke our different partners, she then stated that dates your type, I went I not a type and I’m just a person. Surely that means that I date persons. We were back where started, she flirting bluntly and I fidgeting. She said what I dared not say; I’m if your game I’m willing. Saved by mother wanting show me off to colleagues, I ran away. I have to give it to her she has skill. I walked my cousin (she was my +1) home because it was getting cold for the baby. then I dropped her off and stared walking back to the party someone walks out of this house and grabs. Her body was warm and smelt of soap her fingers invading my body like ants.
“Tell me you don’t want to do this? And I’ll stop”.
I ask her stop her.
She asks me to come with her so she can get me something warm to wear. She was right I needed something indeed. When got inside her room she started all over again.
“Tell me stop and I’ll stop and won’t try my luck again”.
I could not stop her this time, because she had taken off my vest and I was cold and she warm.
Most after such happenings you tend want to run away, but she made rather uncomfortably normal. When we were walking back to the party she said
“I hope you don’t regret what just happened cause I don’t I would do it in heartbeat”
“I don’t do such things, and actually I don’t regret one bit.”
As always it is with me, I could not give her what she wanted. We still talk and have good thing. Problem this week I found myself I what s my type, because she is the perfect person.
Kent…
Dear dairy 24/08/2011
Today I just feel like penning down what I’ve never told a soul. Since I’ve stared writing I’ve became my own my best friend, that I trust enough to tell my secrets to. I used cringe at mention of anything to do with intimacy, sex etc. Nothing has changed yet but I have made peace with. Don’t ask why just read.
Like I said once I don’t like people touching me randomly. Well obviously I was not born like this. Like everyone else I went through the misery of puberty. When everyone else wished Will Smith or Tyres would come out of their TV sets and come and profess undying love to them, I was engrossed in sweet valley high book series. While everyone was sneaking around to catch a glimpse of soul food’s heated scenes, I was more concerned watching Jam Alley.
In the years that followed I suffered from ugly duckling depressions; where you do not believe you have an ounce of beauty in you. When we got to high school dating become everybody order of the day except for me. I became an avid reader. I would become so enthralled in what I was reading that became unsocial able. My friends would say that I become moody and boring when I read. All my friends were dating except for me; they would scold me for not making effort (dressing half decent, braiding my hair) to been seen out and about. When someone did pay attention me to I did not know what to do, I would shy away and avoid them.
I started preferring hang out with guys than with girls, I was more of a tomboy than I was a girly girl so I fitted in perfectly. They would question me why I did not date I would say that I was lesbian just to shut them up. Some of them did try their luck but I could not bring myself to date them. I did not yet know why, but nothing excited me about be with a guy. I always I consoled myself by saying the right guy has not yet came along.
Then one fateful day one of them kissed. I had seen people kissing all over the place so there had to be more to kissing than what this guy was doing. He left me feeling disgusted and happy at the same time; I just found out that I was not missing much in this dating/kissing game. So until the age of 17 I had never been properly kissed or slept with anyone.
So back to the fact that do not like being touched randomly. Funnily enough I would feel my guy friends up; play with their heads and run my fingers along their backs; their six packs or their beer bellies; and they would scold me for the consequences this would have. I would just laugh and move on to the next guy. The girlfriends would give me threatening looks but what was I to do, I was just being friendly. Then came 2008, and along came a girl. I had gotten over my ugly duckling depression, but I had not grown into my skin yet. So she without knowledge of the fact that I was not an experienced sexual being she waltz into my life and changed that. From the first day we met she had my body wired. My belly was fluttering with butterflies I only felt when I had to do orals in class. Something in me was unnerved. I did not trust myself hold anything; I suffered from temporary Parkinson’s disease when she was around. I was cold in fair temperature room, hot in coldness of the night.
Then she did the unthinkable she touched (hugged me to be exact) me. I became short of the breath, weak at the knees my body became a mass potent of hormones racing down my veins faster than the blood did. I pushed her back I asked her let me go, she obliged but she knew my weakness before I knew it (my body reacted to her touches).
All this was a first for my body. She awoke my body’s potential which in later days it would surprise even me that my body is so alive. At our second meeting she introduced me a sensual art of kissing. She taught me three things about kissing; firstly there is leader and follower (there is kisser and kiss receipt ant) secondly a kiss taste better with your eyes closed, thirdly do it with a smile (this enable breathing to take place, she said laughing). At being I my body would become tense and I would hold my breath, she would suck the breath out my mouth leaving me choice but breathe normally and she would kiss me senseless.
So a combination of her touching me and kissing would prove that I’m not cold and unfeeling to a female touch as I’m to male touches. One day she asked me to kiss her that changed me forever. I gave a peck on the lips; see looked at blankly and order for me to kiss her again and to do it properly. I was shaky at first and then I got the hang of, I enjoyed kissing more than being kissed. I was the leader and I had power over her, she did not like it; she had become vulnerable and she did not like me sensing it. She tensed up. I moved my lips down her neck to the hollow of her neck and blow soft kisses there, she held her breath. I too sucked the breath out her mouth. I gave her no time to relax or tense up again I just went on kissing her. She admitted defeat she let me kiss her properly like she asked. To reign on parade she ran fingers along my spine; the guys had done to me a million times before but not like this. Now I knew what they meant by the consequences.
I had gotten used to her touches but not immune to them, they still caused a stir inside my body. This time she had put her hand inside my top and worked her way top to bottom. I got warm fuzzy tingly feeling at the base of my spine, which shot through my spine straight to my head and toes. My breathing became faster signifying my heart rate. My body became engulfed in powerful wave of pure nothingness; I needed something to hold on to but my body had become super sensitive and shook every time she would touch me, yet she continued doing so. Normally if we were standing I would put my hands in her pocket, but today I was sitting on top of her lap. So I pushed her over so that could hold of bed. She flat on her back and me kneeling over her. I bent my head down I started kissing her again. I loved kissing her, every time I would kiss her my toes would curl up the butterflies would start to flutter. It was like falling in bed full of fluffy feathers pillows. It was a good feeling.
At the end of it all I had some explaining to do, because of the way I expertly worked on her body; I had to have learnt it from somewhere, so this made me a fraud in her eyes for not telling that I had done before. I pleaded my case telling her that I only did what felt right, and that I just loved touching her body. I later found out that she was just bitter at fact that I beat her in own game and, that she underestimated my sensuality. Although she introduced me the art kissing I taught her to handle a body.
No I did not just jump right into bed with her that night. We both agreed we’ll take it slow. Back then I had serious body image issues, so this was another reason why I think it took me a long time to go to second base. She understood but, she tired her luck every time we met. I had heard scary first times with boys but never had anyone told me about first time with a girl.
She had called me over to her place. I was five hours late on the agreed time. So when I got there she was watching T.V topless. I knew she was livid, it was hot and I was thirsty. Avoiding having to sit next her and apologising and explaining. I walked over to kitchen to go get me something to drink (sugar water to over the shock of seeing her topless) and make something to eat. She walked over from behind me; she slid her hands underneath my dress. I held my breath she had never gone this far. She unzipped my dress. I stood there frozen as my dress fell down to my feet. Instinctively I covered my chest with both my hands although I still had a bra on. I closed my eyes as her hands invaded my now naked body. I could not breathe, all I could think about was that I was standing naked and what if someone walked in. She turned me around. She kissed me and for the first time she spoke to me, don’t worry the door is locked. She grabbed my hand a placed it on her chest, her heart was beating fast. I looked at her and asked how that is supposed to help make me feel better…I never got to finish my question.
“Are you scared, really? They are real you know, you can feel for yourself.” If anything else I was not staring I was shocked at fact that she standing in front of half naked in loosely tied towel that I wished that would stay on.
She said while she was taking my hand and placing it on her bare breast; her nipple became alive underneath my palm. She had taken a step forward and she was now too for close for comfort, she was breathing my air which I needed desperately. She kissed me lightly. I tried to get away as she was trying to unhook my bra, she stopped me, and my bra became unhooked.
‘I don’t think this is a good idea.”
“Of course not; you’re not think straight”
From there on I just remember us moving from the kitchen to the bedroom. My body was overtaken by sheer desire, our bodies moving to rhythm of our heats and legs tangled. The warm fuzzy feelings came and went I lost of count of them. Her telling me that she loved me and me at that moment thanking the heavens for let me wear matching underwear and moisturising.
Afterwards I slept. I woke hours later to two people arguing (her and the pizza guy). At that moment it all came flooding back. I could no believe what I just done. Instead I of feeling in mushy inside, I wished to be a thousand miles away from here. She walked in with a pizza but I was in the moody for food. She glared at me and asked me what is wrong. While she away I had gotten up and picked up shirt and draped over my naked body.
You know that you not leaving tonight right? You might as well juts eat”
I was planning to… but it was nine at night.
Some people would say I was lucky my first time was not awkward but it’s just that I felt awkward. It was not what I expected it to be; it exceeded my expectation and then some. She came over and tried to supportive in her own special way, which telling you the cold truth even if you do not want hear it. It still rings in head when every time I think of her.
“Yes you just had sex, even worse for you; you just had sex for the first time with girl. You feel awkward, but trust me nobody ever woke up and felt the same after having sex for the first time. For a first timer you amazed me. Where ever you may go this experience will be your benchmark for those that are yet still to come; you still going to have mind blowing sex and meaningless sex. Whether it’s going to be with or with somebody else you’ll have to let go of your body image issues. You should count yourself lucky that your first time was some body that cares and loves you very much, that sees more beauty and goodness in you, than what you care to see. Personally I was both satisfied and amazed so I would not mind giving it another try”…
This little speech did not make feel any better or any worse but it managed make me laugh and calm down enough to have something to eat and to have her hold me all through the night.
In the years that followed she kept her promise of mind blowing sex and then some…
N.Mateza
