Habit.

I’m tired of being me. Random but it’s true. I live for other people happiness. If their happy then I’m happy. This kind attitude has left me broke, heartbroken, and emotional drained and confused.  To prove that this true I don’t have my own identity or personality. So shoot if me if I’m speaking such deeming words of myself. I live out of habit now I don’t see any wrong to it.

So I took upon myself to check out habit defintion (quote) so as make more sense (I think)……

A habit is something you can do without thinking - which is why most of us have so many of them.  ~Frank A. Clark.

Yes most the things I do out habit I do without thinking about its consequences.

So what epiphany descended on me this time? What brought on this Ahh moment? This year my dormant love life decided to take dramatic change (literally and figuratively) for past 2 months I’ve been putting out fires like never in my life. First it’s Wandi who decides that she’s going to blackmail into falling for her again. Out of habit of loving her I conceded.

Secondly along came Unathi and she decided well since I’m not the commitment type she going to move on with her life. I was happy for her. Problem is the grass was greener on other side it but needed trimming. So well you guessed it she is back and she is not backing down.  Out of habit I said things without of thinking………. 

 I have to put to you she got the worst timing ever, why because there just happens to be “replacement” (we going to her Miss. R) for her. Ms.R comes with own set of problems.  After the last months of roller-coaster rides trust me, I’m not going on a roller-coater soon, but now I’m being told that I’m selfish(don’t ask). How do I feel Ms.R? I don’t know.  I’m not expecting anything big but people I could do with no drama. One thing true about Ms.R is that she prone to drama. That’s how we met, and the thing is that she is on the rebound and we know full well how that will go. My habituall trait here is that I seem to sympathise a alot with people and they end up reading to much into my sympathy.  

I have a problem with easy come-easy go relationships (flings) because they tend to go nowhere until one of you decides to go into a meaningful relationship then the fireworks start. It’s either they cannot see a future without me (Unathi) or we meant to be we are soul mates (Wandi; Unathi). So I’m not supposed to move on (or have flings of my own) because this two people thimk I’m being unfair, but when they feel the need to explore other avenues I’m not to say anything (another bad habit I don’t say anything). Out of habit of seeing the good in people (forgiving) Unathi has reason to believe that we are an item again and working through our problems. Oh! Wandi has her little army doing her dirty work for her. For now that is.

All this drama came about because of I don’t know my true self. If could define myself to this people then I would not be in this mess. If could for once live for me and not for their happiness then I would not be in this mess.  If I knew my true identity then I would not be in this mess. The best way to break a bad habit is to drop it. Yes it’s easily said than done, believe me. I could drop all this bad habits but then I feel like I’d be letting a whole lot of people down. I’m so afraid of my own happiness that I prefer orchestrating other people’s happiness. I’m so afraid of the “me” that meet in my dreams that I prefer to not to become, I rather be that person without a false identity. I’m such an emotional being but I tend hide what I’m feeling well. This misleads people into think that I’m immune to the scars caused by this dramas.  

Somewhere in the near future I’m going to pick up new habits. They not going get rid of the others but, better the logic in them. The new habits will better me and my approach of dealing with my personal battles. I’m going into the habit of having fun, this means that I’m going to with the flow when it comes to Ms.R. Holds on to Unathi for the time being and  deal with Wandi when time comes.

Dear Diary

Two blogs in space of two days I’m really getting into this.  A lot has happened between the last time I posted and now. I’m now single and in hiding. I now have goal list and a bucket list in place. Most importantly I’m now on journey of self-discovery (I’m testing my limits of risk taking).  

Last night marked first time (it’s a white lie) I cried my heart out.

Yesterday afternoon I had argument with one of close friend. What I defined as being accommodative and willing to bend over backward for a partner she said it was giving a person “a false sense of hope”. I had to admit that what she said seemed to hold a lot of truth (but  to plead my case ‘I didn’t know’). And last night seemed to prove it. Last night I broke up (what harsh words) rephrase: I ended things with Unathi. It was mutual agreement (in that it let happen) o end things but that doesn’t make it less painful.  I met Unathi briefly last year in Johannesburg  at one of infamous zoo-lake picnics.

We chatted mostly over Facebook and that’s how our relationship started.  I liked her cause she was my shoulder to cry on, she was one of the few people that knew bear soul. She could read me very well and to top it off she was funny.  What led us to ending things is that, she didn’t want me as a friend and I was not ready to have a full blown relationship with her (taking into consideration Wandi and the misery that she caused).  Right now I see writing this that I made her pay for Wandi sins I’m now im paying for it (wandi srikes again).   

“Nhlalala (she uses my Facebook name) I think it’s time went different ways. I see no point in me begging you to love when clearly you’re unable to” this being unexpected I was caught off guard.  When I asked where all this came from she said “for the past few days you been pre-occupied with someone that I can’t compete with, so you tell me what the point of me hanging around”. There was laughter in the background so I asked” have you already moved on”. She answered “I’m about to, I just thought it right to talk to you first”. I don’t remember who hung –up (but surely it had to be her, she had a guest waiting) I never even got chance to say adios. I just remember waking up to my shrilling phone and my head aching. I had not cried that hard in such long time it scared me, but i  think cried because of a lot of things.

Earlier in the day I declined an invite to go with friend to go play club hostess now I regretted immensely, because this would have given me a chance to be around people, loud music and alcohol so to drown my sorrows and my thoughts.

This was the same friend who uttered to those wise words. I sat down and analyzed mine and Unathi’s relationship. I accommodated her insecurities, demands, hypocrisy and ego. Ironically all of this fall under my list of relationship deal breakers, but I overlooked it because…. Right now I can’t find a reason why (wandi respected them in her own way).  Somewhere along the line I was to bound snap and throw a hissy fit about these things but, it would have been too late. One even asked me why don’t state this things at the start of it all rather giving someone a “false sense of hope”. I don’t know why. Would it had been different if i knew what I wanted, logically it would but, when it comes the matters of the heart my emotions cloud my judgment. Good riddens to bad rubbish. No. I will truly miss her apart from it all I liked her very much but as it would seem it was never enough.  I would like to see her again purely on neutral bases because her friendship meant the world to me.

Wandi is topic for another day. As much as love her she’s standing at doorstep. I’ve suffered more than enough pain that one can experince.

I guess will talk again tomorrow.