Two blogs in space of two days I’m really getting into this. A lot has happened between the last time I posted and now. I’m now single and in hiding. I now have goal list and a bucket list in place. Most importantly I’m now on journey of self-discovery (I’m testing my limits of risk taking).
Last night marked first time (it’s a white lie) I cried my heart out.
Yesterday afternoon I had argument with one of close friend. What I defined as being accommodative and willing to bend over backward for a partner she said it was giving a person “a false sense of hope”. I had to admit that what she said seemed to hold a lot of truth (but to plead my case ‘I didn’t know’). And last night seemed to prove it. Last night I broke up (what harsh words) rephrase: I ended things with Unathi. It was mutual agreement (in that it let happen) o end things but that doesn’t make it less painful. I met Unathi briefly last year in Johannesburg at one of infamous zoo-lake picnics.
We chatted mostly over Facebook and that’s how our relationship started. I liked her cause she was my shoulder to cry on, she was one of the few people that knew bear soul. She could read me very well and to top it off she was funny. What led us to ending things is that, she didn’t want me as a friend and I was not ready to have a full blown relationship with her (taking into consideration Wandi and the misery that she caused). Right now I see writing this that I made her pay for Wandi sins I’m now im paying for it (wandi srikes again).
“Nhlalala (she uses my Facebook name) I think it’s time went different ways. I see no point in me begging you to love when clearly you’re unable to” this being unexpected I was caught off guard. When I asked where all this came from she said “for the past few days you been pre-occupied with someone that I can’t compete with, so you tell me what the point of me hanging around”. There was laughter in the background so I asked” have you already moved on”. She answered “I’m about to, I just thought it right to talk to you first”. I don’t remember who hung –up (but surely it had to be her, she had a guest waiting) I never even got chance to say adios. I just remember waking up to my shrilling phone and my head aching. I had not cried that hard in such long time it scared me, but i think cried because of a lot of things.
Earlier in the day I declined an invite to go with friend to go play club hostess now I regretted immensely, because this would have given me a chance to be around people, loud music and alcohol so to drown my sorrows and my thoughts.
This was the same friend who uttered to those wise words. I sat down and analyzed mine and Unathi’s relationship. I accommodated her insecurities, demands, hypocrisy and ego. Ironically all of this fall under my list of relationship deal breakers, but I overlooked it because…. Right now I can’t find a reason why (wandi respected them in her own way). Somewhere along the line I was to bound snap and throw a hissy fit about these things but, it would have been too late. One even asked me why don’t state this things at the start of it all rather giving someone a “false sense of hope”. I don’t know why. Would it had been different if i knew what I wanted, logically it would but, when it comes the matters of the heart my emotions cloud my judgment. Good riddens to bad rubbish. No. I will truly miss her apart from it all I liked her very much but as it would seem it was never enough. I would like to see her again purely on neutral bases because her friendship meant the world to me.
Wandi is topic for another day. As much as love her she’s standing at doorstep. I’ve suffered more than enough pain that one can experince.
I guess will talk again tomorrow.
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