Habit.

I’m tired of being me. Random but it’s true. I live for other people happiness. If their happy then I’m happy. This kind attitude has left me broke, heartbroken, and emotional drained and confused.  To prove that this true I don’t have my own identity or personality. So shoot if me if I’m speaking such deeming words of myself. I live out of habit now I don’t see any wrong to it.

So I took upon myself to check out habit defintion (quote) so as make more sense (I think)……

A habit is something you can do without thinking - which is why most of us have so many of them.  ~Frank A. Clark.

Yes most the things I do out habit I do without thinking about its consequences.

So what epiphany descended on me this time? What brought on this Ahh moment? This year my dormant love life decided to take dramatic change (literally and figuratively) for past 2 months I’ve been putting out fires like never in my life. First it’s Wandi who decides that she’s going to blackmail into falling for her again. Out of habit of loving her I conceded.

Secondly along came Unathi and she decided well since I’m not the commitment type she going to move on with her life. I was happy for her. Problem is the grass was greener on other side it but needed trimming. So well you guessed it she is back and she is not backing down.  Out of habit I said things without of thinking………. 

 I have to put to you she got the worst timing ever, why because there just happens to be “replacement” (we going to her Miss. R) for her. Ms.R comes with own set of problems.  After the last months of roller-coaster rides trust me, I’m not going on a roller-coater soon, but now I’m being told that I’m selfish(don’t ask). How do I feel Ms.R? I don’t know.  I’m not expecting anything big but people I could do with no drama. One thing true about Ms.R is that she prone to drama. That’s how we met, and the thing is that she is on the rebound and we know full well how that will go. My habituall trait here is that I seem to sympathise a alot with people and they end up reading to much into my sympathy.  

I have a problem with easy come-easy go relationships (flings) because they tend to go nowhere until one of you decides to go into a meaningful relationship then the fireworks start. It’s either they cannot see a future without me (Unathi) or we meant to be we are soul mates (Wandi; Unathi). So I’m not supposed to move on (or have flings of my own) because this two people thimk I’m being unfair, but when they feel the need to explore other avenues I’m not to say anything (another bad habit I don’t say anything). Out of habit of seeing the good in people (forgiving) Unathi has reason to believe that we are an item again and working through our problems. Oh! Wandi has her little army doing her dirty work for her. For now that is.

All this drama came about because of I don’t know my true self. If could define myself to this people then I would not be in this mess. If could for once live for me and not for their happiness then I would not be in this mess.  If I knew my true identity then I would not be in this mess. The best way to break a bad habit is to drop it. Yes it’s easily said than done, believe me. I could drop all this bad habits but then I feel like I’d be letting a whole lot of people down. I’m so afraid of my own happiness that I prefer orchestrating other people’s happiness. I’m so afraid of the “me” that meet in my dreams that I prefer to not to become, I rather be that person without a false identity. I’m such an emotional being but I tend hide what I’m feeling well. This misleads people into think that I’m immune to the scars caused by this dramas.  

Somewhere in the near future I’m going to pick up new habits. They not going get rid of the others but, better the logic in them. The new habits will better me and my approach of dealing with my personal battles. I’m going into the habit of having fun, this means that I’m going to with the flow when it comes to Ms.R. Holds on to Unathi for the time being and  deal with Wandi when time comes.

Dear Diary

Two blogs in space of two days I’m really getting into this.  A lot has happened between the last time I posted and now. I’m now single and in hiding. I now have goal list and a bucket list in place. Most importantly I’m now on journey of self-discovery (I’m testing my limits of risk taking).  

Last night marked first time (it’s a white lie) I cried my heart out.

Yesterday afternoon I had argument with one of close friend. What I defined as being accommodative and willing to bend over backward for a partner she said it was giving a person “a false sense of hope”. I had to admit that what she said seemed to hold a lot of truth (but  to plead my case ‘I didn’t know’). And last night seemed to prove it. Last night I broke up (what harsh words) rephrase: I ended things with Unathi. It was mutual agreement (in that it let happen) o end things but that doesn’t make it less painful.  I met Unathi briefly last year in Johannesburg  at one of infamous zoo-lake picnics.

We chatted mostly over Facebook and that’s how our relationship started.  I liked her cause she was my shoulder to cry on, she was one of the few people that knew bear soul. She could read me very well and to top it off she was funny.  What led us to ending things is that, she didn’t want me as a friend and I was not ready to have a full blown relationship with her (taking into consideration Wandi and the misery that she caused).  Right now I see writing this that I made her pay for Wandi sins I’m now im paying for it (wandi srikes again).   

“Nhlalala (she uses my Facebook name) I think it’s time went different ways. I see no point in me begging you to love when clearly you’re unable to” this being unexpected I was caught off guard.  When I asked where all this came from she said “for the past few days you been pre-occupied with someone that I can’t compete with, so you tell me what the point of me hanging around”. There was laughter in the background so I asked” have you already moved on”. She answered “I’m about to, I just thought it right to talk to you first”. I don’t remember who hung –up (but surely it had to be her, she had a guest waiting) I never even got chance to say adios. I just remember waking up to my shrilling phone and my head aching. I had not cried that hard in such long time it scared me, but i  think cried because of a lot of things.

Earlier in the day I declined an invite to go with friend to go play club hostess now I regretted immensely, because this would have given me a chance to be around people, loud music and alcohol so to drown my sorrows and my thoughts.

This was the same friend who uttered to those wise words. I sat down and analyzed mine and Unathi’s relationship. I accommodated her insecurities, demands, hypocrisy and ego. Ironically all of this fall under my list of relationship deal breakers, but I overlooked it because…. Right now I can’t find a reason why (wandi respected them in her own way).  Somewhere along the line I was to bound snap and throw a hissy fit about these things but, it would have been too late. One even asked me why don’t state this things at the start of it all rather giving someone a “false sense of hope”. I don’t know why. Would it had been different if i knew what I wanted, logically it would but, when it comes the matters of the heart my emotions cloud my judgment. Good riddens to bad rubbish. No. I will truly miss her apart from it all I liked her very much but as it would seem it was never enough.  I would like to see her again purely on neutral bases because her friendship meant the world to me.

Wandi is topic for another day. As much as love her she’s standing at doorstep. I’ve suffered more than enough pain that one can experince.

I guess will talk again tomorrow.

Wandi

My long awaited secong post. I would have posted it sooner but my life has been real-life drama. and it all thanks to one person Wandi.

I love, love love her. I'm just a breath away from saying she's the love of my life, but give her the pleasure. when its alll said ansd done she knows.

Who is Wandi you may ask?  She is the gal that makes my life a living hell. Trust me she does, in every way possible without the fire. Quite a contrast from my opening line isn’t.

I think we were cursed because we met on stormy day. Thunder, rain, lighting you name it was there. I was wet, cold and stuck in town with nowhere to go (No I was not thrown out from home).she came along and offered ride home.  “To my surprise it was to her place not mine but, I didn’t care coz of the state I was in.  When we got “home” was I’m greeted by her mother and her sister sitting in the kitchen having coffee. She shows me the bathroom and her bedroom to change. All of this seems too good to be true and risky but hey as I said I was wet n cold.  When I finished changing, her sister and mother was gone, and she was left making me something to eat. Oh did mention it had stopped raining. When I’m nervous I talk so to keep myself from babbling I ate.  My cup coffee was making waves because I shaking, (but it was not because of the cold) she has the most amazing eyes (along with dormant good looks and a killer voice) I’ve ever came across and she was staring. We had our first argument (fight) that day. I never been one to look at anybody when I speak (I hate school orals) she demanded me look at her as if I spoke with my eyes. I asked who are you to tell me what do. Your ride home she said. I kept quiet.

She left me watching T.V while she took a shower. I finally got hold of my sister and she told she will be home around seven (its 12:00 afternoon). We spent the day watching her collection of old movies and drinking tons amounts of milo.

Now the trouble starts. When she dropped off at home we had formed a friendship (platonic I say) worth pursuing is, but that what I thought. She had other thoughts. I was busy fidgeting she stopped me by whispering “that I know where you stay, and I shan’t stop till get what I want” played the fool and asked what it is was?  She looked straight into my eyes and said “you”. She had me. I ran out of the car.  She stole my number I found this out three days later when she called and said she outside. We went for a movie my choice this time, and she brought me home.

Three weeks later I went back home. This time her mom greeted me and said “today you are sleeping over you can have a change of clothes with the ones you left here the last time”.  I could not say no because there was going to be a braai so I was automatically invited. Here I got meet her family and everybody was friendly and welcomed me as the new girlfriend (they assumed and they were “wrong”).

After the braai the party moved on to their favorite hangout spot. Here I got meet her friends. I’m was new to gay this thing .I did not yet the signs, language, their ways. Can please state I was confused. I knew liked Wandi (a lot) but she was a girl. Could this be happening again that I’m falling for girl (happened back in high school) I asked myself? But I chose to live in the present and boi I’ll never forget that day.

In the midst of this gay (lesbain)  infested party my hormones started flaring. My body would react to the faintest touch, wandering eyes, sweaty palm, and jelly knees.  Wandi being Wandi was enjoying this. She whispered “self-control my lesbian virgin”.

I moved away from the crowd to go answer my phone. This is when I met and made a new friend Mapula (Maps).she pulled me to the side and said “Wandi is bad news she's like the ciggies that I’m smoking they taste good but they end up giving you cancer”.My answer to this was she’s only a good friend of mine. She laughed. “Get Wandi attention and when she looking, kiss me”. I’m not answered. If that’s true I’m standing here naked (to this day we still laugh at this).  Wandi arrived and hugged me from behind  I didn’t expect her I lost my footing. Maps cracked up and gave me pionted look. “Wandi you don’t have to show her off she not even gay Maps”."Oh yeah” Wandi said watch this. On the 26 of November 2008 I kissed a girl and I liked it.

The next morning  I woke up in now familiar room, with my phone ring in the distance and someone telling me not answer it.  I turn around to face this person and she says” I’ve got you”.

Im tired of typing. Next you get live our drama.Our joys, fights, break-up's and make-ups.  

Yeah......

Yeah I have my own blog...... I mean how random is this. Its not everyday that you come by person that has one. Or is it? Nontheless I have it and it needs to celebrated..

For those who would like to know what this blog is all about. My answer to you inquistive souls is that its about everthing that relates to nothingness.....Its about all the ramdom things that i come about every living day of my life... Its about my future my present and my past.. Its for my friends and foes.

Starting from today  U'll will get to experience my joy and my sadness.  My pleasure and my heartbreaks. My  up's and my downs. My good and bad days. I will let you into my dreams and shut you out of  my failures. I'll invite you into parties and let you sit on my dinners dates .we'll have supper together and I'll have desssert alone. We'll share my travels and  experience the adrenline.

Here's to me getting to mirror my soul in words.

aidios.