Dessert

I’m back and I’m back with vengeance.  First thing first is that is my promise to myself that I’m post a blog every week. With that said lets here’s this week blog.

I hate school so it’s a given that I love holidays. I’m from a long holiday so there’s is much to write about but not enough time. Given that it was a long holiday I should be rested and ready for school but hear me when I say I’m not. Then again there never was a time in life when I was ready and willing to go to school, maybe on my graduation day it will be different. During this long holiday i managed mess-up my life in good way.  As life goes not everything was good and rosy but most of it was.  I would be sinning if said that I still have issues about my sexuality because of what people (excluding my family) might think or might do. This revelation came about when somebody just wanted me answer a simple question and for the first I did not hesitate to give them an answer. Isn’t like I had problem answering the question in the past it’s that I usually gave the wrong answer.   

It also came about after seeing a certain someone. Let me put it this way: yes you know about dessert and you’ve seen it before but you never tasted it in your whole life, because you were afraid to taste dessert and you’ve never got right opportunity to taste it. Then one day you get to taste one type of dessert, let’s say a decadent piece of black forest cake oozing chocolate. You love it gawd it’s best thing that you ever tasted. You cannot get enough of it. Slowly but surely you get to taste other types of desserts your like mousse, tarts, pudding, custards etc. You still love cake the best. Then one day you have enough of black forest cake.  You don’t write it out is just that you don’t love as much as you use to.  This time around you fall in love with the moist yummy bar one cake. It’s still cake right but a different type of cake.   So now in life what you know for sure is that you are a cake woman, yes you can down any type of dessert but u like cake best in the dessert food group.  Given a choice between having dessert or meat the rest of your life you would choose dessert.

On the topic of my family well that is proving to a bit of a mission.  Even though that I have sneaking suspicion  that my sister know, it’s like knowing  that mother knows you’re in prison but you don’t want her to visit you or calling her from prison .  It’s not because you embarrassed is just that their remarks on the issue raise your eyebrows.

“What would make child in their minds become lesbian”? My mother asked deeply concerned

After laughing at this random statement I answered “I really do not know what causes such insanity”.

Another concerning indication that homosexuality does not go down well with her is that she really dislikes Senzo and Jason, although there are fictitious characters she rather have them not shown on her daily soapy.  So my family I will deal with as time goes by, because right now I like how things are.

That is all to for today if you’re lucky I might post later on in the week….

 

And then my phone rings................

I’m in the process of changing my number. Since I’m only technological skilled to utilise Facebook and not Mxit this means I’m limited to make calls and text with my phone.  So lately I’ve gotten tired of answering deep breathing phone calls, random texts and please call me. Already have my plate full with the people that I talk too so have these random ass phone calls….

On a normal week this is how my phone line looks like:

My phone calls have determining factors. Throughout the day I’ve received texts and calls that determine how my late night convo’s are going to go (someone once said that nothing well ever happens after dark. True that I say) problem they are very unpredictable. Another determent to these calls is how they ended night before. Lastly is the person that I’m going to talk to. So let’s say I’m talking to person” A” she has tendency wanting to know every breathing moment of my day (so that she can pick a fight. I think). We then fight about some element of my day like: why is that I don’t eat or why I’m fighting with my mom and why is it that I  didn’t reply to her text. I avoid the subject and ask about her day she tells me after that we gossip. Somehow we end the call with us fighting again (which we do 3-5 times a week). 

Then I call person “I” to hear the latest in her life.  She likes to keep (and to be kept) me in the loop. She’s my friend with certain benefits so we deem it necessary to keep our relationship up to date. With her she tells about her latest love gone wrong stories and then she compares it to what it would be like if I was the girl in question (and mind you it always works out for the best with me). Then I tell her about who is giving me grieve, her consolation to this is “had it been me I would’ve have never done that to you “. Person” I” waltzed into my life just at the right moment. She flatters me and I stroke her ego. We good for each other we are others drawing boards.  We normally close it off with a one day is one day and I’m going to get you and i say you already found me.

Depending on the time of the month I’ll talk to my favourite ‘boy’ (we still going to get married someday). I and she met unexpectedly. I borrowed someone my phone, they made a call to her and they left her number there. Next day some random chick calls demanding to know the 5 “W” (who, why, when, what, where). Since I don’t entertain such, I hung up. Later in the day I get a call from the same number, just to set record straight I answer only to find a different voice and pleasant manners on other end. The caller is apologising for the call made earlier. Apparently it was a concerned (jealous) girlfriend looking out for her better half, and other thing the caller wanted know how my number got to her phone. I told her Wandi called her last night using my so phone that’s how. She introduced herself as Wandi cousin and that it was high time that we should meet she heard a lot about but I never met me.

We use to talk twice a month just to touch base. When we spoke recently (she was messenger so I could not shoot her) she wanted to know what went wrong (I love her cause she ‘neutral’). She understood that her cousin was in the wrong but failed understand why I can’t forgive and move on (over this little hiccup). Like everybody else in the family she thought I was good for Wandi (I still am). So the last we spoke she related Wandi words (feelings) to the point and left me feeling guilty. I still not ready to talk to her. i think i sould call her.

I’ve not spoken to certain someone (do the maths) in a long while. On good days we spoke on the phones and broke days texted. With her we’d talk like were in the same room.  She knew my moods and I knew her own. We spoke through tears, laughter, we’ve spoken harsh angry words and we’ve sweet endearing words. We had ground rules put in place. 1. don’t bitch and moan about an .unanswered call because it simple meant that the person was unable to answer the phone at that very moment. 2. don’t leave 25 missed calls because the first one will get my attention. Lastly one was not allowed to ride somebody else’s wave by saying “me too” at the end of a call (although I came up with a counter rule: that said one should repeat what other just said).This worked out well with kind of relationship that we had and fact that we didn’t call each other every single day. The irony of it all is we are not on speaking terms because of few text messages. We could pick up from our last phone call but that would be asking for trouble (so I would like to think).  For time being this certain someone has been put on hold……………………………….

Since some people prefer burning the midnight oil, I’ll get call from person “A” asking if I’m asleep (normally I’m drifting between sleep and wakefulness) and this question is rhetorical cause right after she’s speaking of something else.  We would then pick-up where we left of (just before the fight) and talk for another hour before we say our good mornings and sleep tights. 

There new kid on the block. She doesn’t have peak or off peak hours yena she just calls (she gotten me in this habit it’s quite expensive).Funny thing is she always nervous on the phone when she talking. She has pauses, she laughs at her jokes (dry indirect jokes) before she tells them and she picks up the phone within 3 rings.  With her you never know she very unpredictable, which makes my job of sassing her out very hard. We supposed to be pushing a deal but what we are doing is building our trust relationship after that we make our deal. I suggested a middle man, but no she prefers dealing with me personally. Which makes things very complicated, and I don’t handle complications very well. I think we would have built the trust within the first day because it’s give and take relationship, but no-one has given or taken what they should. For time being I’m going with the flow.

Then there is T… well her we used to speak once in pink moon but now we are makingup  for lost time. She has taken it open herself to tell update me on what’s happening in joburg (specifically about certain people). Both of us strive on these conversations but there is underling agenda to them. All I’m going to say is that we both either pulling in different directions or pulling towards each other, but don’t like think about it too much…. Compared to the relationship with person ‘I’, I think me and person ‘T’ we like to blindside the truth (it’s better that way).   

The list..

Afterellen.com has done it again (love this web page). Their top 50 out hottest females in showbiz is out. It’s spectacular if not exceptional. My biggest shocker this year is Mrs Suze Orman (yes she married) shoot me dead I really didn’t know. My gaydar didn’t even pick it up because Oprah (yes she is in the closet) doesn’t even flirt with her show so now you know why. So who made my top ten lists this year?  It was hard one I’m very sure of my top 3 and the others well they are there because they useful in one way or another.

So here they are in some specific order:

10. Martina Nartinalova (48)

Well I don’t know jack about tennis so she might come in handy. I like her name and surname rhymes with Anne’s so they might just be related.  And I would like to point she is aging well. Looks like a graet wingman.

                                    

9. Alexandra Hedison (27)

Look at her and tell me that don’t see what I see. I’ve been told that she looks even better in much shorter hair. So that then proves theory that short hair is hot. And bet you she looks even hotter in morning sunshine bringing you coffee the in bed……

8. Jillian Michaels (25)

Well everybody needs, and looks like she could satisfy them and more. She could personal train me right through the night. We’d both lose weight trust me, but hear me now it would not be because of going to gym and pick up weights (wait maybe she weigh heavier than me) but then am willing to carry her. 

7. Rachael Maddow (5)

She not is striking, but her intelligence is.  She looks like a perfect home body partner, I would not mind spending the whole day listening to her talk about what she thinks is wrong with the world and she planning to do to fix it. She could make a perfect daddy figure (I’m just putting it out there).

6. Tucky Williams (42)

Well then what do me say... Apart from the fact that she plays her on–screen character perfectly and I would like to think she does it better in real life. She one of those of lesbians that makes you wants to be one (oops!) but not the one you introduce to your family unless you really serious….

5. Bridget McManus (45)

Problem with her is that she is married. Note: people marry young these days. She is pretty and compared to Tucky you could push long-life friendship to parents hearts content. Given that the she’s marrying type, I would not mind settling down.

4. Kiyomi McCloskey (44)

She the sex, money and drug equation that is complicated yet not that complicated for me to simplify. Equation: 3 is crowd what is 4 then. Answer: evening out the odds I say. I am willing to interchange our roles of the nominator and the dominator whichever works out for the best.

My top three is in a specific order…..

3. Tasya van Ree (40)

Love what she does (her work that is) and love her. Just didnt

2. Sarah Paulson (38)

Idontknow….

1. Heather Peace (12)

Hmmmm…..

Note that the numbers is their ages but their rating in afterellen… this blog I wrote for friend to prove that show and Admit that not all white don’t like the same.

Habit.

I’m tired of being me. Random but it’s true. I live for other people happiness. If their happy then I’m happy. This kind attitude has left me broke, heartbroken, and emotional drained and confused.  To prove that this true I don’t have my own identity or personality. So shoot if me if I’m speaking such deeming words of myself. I live out of habit now I don’t see any wrong to it.

So I took upon myself to check out habit defintion (quote) so as make more sense (I think)……

A habit is something you can do without thinking - which is why most of us have so many of them.  ~Frank A. Clark.

Yes most the things I do out habit I do without thinking about its consequences.

So what epiphany descended on me this time? What brought on this Ahh moment? This year my dormant love life decided to take dramatic change (literally and figuratively) for past 2 months I’ve been putting out fires like never in my life. First it’s Wandi who decides that she’s going to blackmail into falling for her again. Out of habit of loving her I conceded.

Secondly along came Unathi and she decided well since I’m not the commitment type she going to move on with her life. I was happy for her. Problem is the grass was greener on other side it but needed trimming. So well you guessed it she is back and she is not backing down.  Out of habit I said things without of thinking………. 

 I have to put to you she got the worst timing ever, why because there just happens to be “replacement” (we going to her Miss. R) for her. Ms.R comes with own set of problems.  After the last months of roller-coaster rides trust me, I’m not going on a roller-coater soon, but now I’m being told that I’m selfish(don’t ask). How do I feel Ms.R? I don’t know.  I’m not expecting anything big but people I could do with no drama. One thing true about Ms.R is that she prone to drama. That’s how we met, and the thing is that she is on the rebound and we know full well how that will go. My habituall trait here is that I seem to sympathise a alot with people and they end up reading to much into my sympathy.  

I have a problem with easy come-easy go relationships (flings) because they tend to go nowhere until one of you decides to go into a meaningful relationship then the fireworks start. It’s either they cannot see a future without me (Unathi) or we meant to be we are soul mates (Wandi; Unathi). So I’m not supposed to move on (or have flings of my own) because this two people thimk I’m being unfair, but when they feel the need to explore other avenues I’m not to say anything (another bad habit I don’t say anything). Out of habit of seeing the good in people (forgiving) Unathi has reason to believe that we are an item again and working through our problems. Oh! Wandi has her little army doing her dirty work for her. For now that is.

All this drama came about because of I don’t know my true self. If could define myself to this people then I would not be in this mess. If could for once live for me and not for their happiness then I would not be in this mess.  If I knew my true identity then I would not be in this mess. The best way to break a bad habit is to drop it. Yes it’s easily said than done, believe me. I could drop all this bad habits but then I feel like I’d be letting a whole lot of people down. I’m so afraid of my own happiness that I prefer orchestrating other people’s happiness. I’m so afraid of the “me” that meet in my dreams that I prefer to not to become, I rather be that person without a false identity. I’m such an emotional being but I tend hide what I’m feeling well. This misleads people into think that I’m immune to the scars caused by this dramas.  

Somewhere in the near future I’m going to pick up new habits. They not going get rid of the others but, better the logic in them. The new habits will better me and my approach of dealing with my personal battles. I’m going into the habit of having fun, this means that I’m going to with the flow when it comes to Ms.R. Holds on to Unathi for the time being and  deal with Wandi when time comes.

Dear Diary

Two blogs in space of two days I’m really getting into this.  A lot has happened between the last time I posted and now. I’m now single and in hiding. I now have goal list and a bucket list in place. Most importantly I’m now on journey of self-discovery (I’m testing my limits of risk taking).  

Last night marked first time (it’s a white lie) I cried my heart out.

Yesterday afternoon I had argument with one of close friend. What I defined as being accommodative and willing to bend over backward for a partner she said it was giving a person “a false sense of hope”. I had to admit that what she said seemed to hold a lot of truth (but  to plead my case ‘I didn’t know’). And last night seemed to prove it. Last night I broke up (what harsh words) rephrase: I ended things with Unathi. It was mutual agreement (in that it let happen) o end things but that doesn’t make it less painful.  I met Unathi briefly last year in Johannesburg  at one of infamous zoo-lake picnics.

We chatted mostly over Facebook and that’s how our relationship started.  I liked her cause she was my shoulder to cry on, she was one of the few people that knew bear soul. She could read me very well and to top it off she was funny.  What led us to ending things is that, she didn’t want me as a friend and I was not ready to have a full blown relationship with her (taking into consideration Wandi and the misery that she caused).  Right now I see writing this that I made her pay for Wandi sins I’m now im paying for it (wandi srikes again).   

“Nhlalala (she uses my Facebook name) I think it’s time went different ways. I see no point in me begging you to love when clearly you’re unable to” this being unexpected I was caught off guard.  When I asked where all this came from she said “for the past few days you been pre-occupied with someone that I can’t compete with, so you tell me what the point of me hanging around”. There was laughter in the background so I asked” have you already moved on”. She answered “I’m about to, I just thought it right to talk to you first”. I don’t remember who hung –up (but surely it had to be her, she had a guest waiting) I never even got chance to say adios. I just remember waking up to my shrilling phone and my head aching. I had not cried that hard in such long time it scared me, but i  think cried because of a lot of things.

Earlier in the day I declined an invite to go with friend to go play club hostess now I regretted immensely, because this would have given me a chance to be around people, loud music and alcohol so to drown my sorrows and my thoughts.

This was the same friend who uttered to those wise words. I sat down and analyzed mine and Unathi’s relationship. I accommodated her insecurities, demands, hypocrisy and ego. Ironically all of this fall under my list of relationship deal breakers, but I overlooked it because…. Right now I can’t find a reason why (wandi respected them in her own way).  Somewhere along the line I was to bound snap and throw a hissy fit about these things but, it would have been too late. One even asked me why don’t state this things at the start of it all rather giving someone a “false sense of hope”. I don’t know why. Would it had been different if i knew what I wanted, logically it would but, when it comes the matters of the heart my emotions cloud my judgment. Good riddens to bad rubbish. No. I will truly miss her apart from it all I liked her very much but as it would seem it was never enough.  I would like to see her again purely on neutral bases because her friendship meant the world to me.

Wandi is topic for another day. As much as love her she’s standing at doorstep. I’ve suffered more than enough pain that one can experince.

I guess will talk again tomorrow.

Wandi

My long awaited secong post. I would have posted it sooner but my life has been real-life drama. and it all thanks to one person Wandi.

I love, love love her. I'm just a breath away from saying she's the love of my life, but give her the pleasure. when its alll said ansd done she knows.

Who is Wandi you may ask?  She is the gal that makes my life a living hell. Trust me she does, in every way possible without the fire. Quite a contrast from my opening line isn’t.

I think we were cursed because we met on stormy day. Thunder, rain, lighting you name it was there. I was wet, cold and stuck in town with nowhere to go (No I was not thrown out from home).she came along and offered ride home.  “To my surprise it was to her place not mine but, I didn’t care coz of the state I was in.  When we got “home” was I’m greeted by her mother and her sister sitting in the kitchen having coffee. She shows me the bathroom and her bedroom to change. All of this seems too good to be true and risky but hey as I said I was wet n cold.  When I finished changing, her sister and mother was gone, and she was left making me something to eat. Oh did mention it had stopped raining. When I’m nervous I talk so to keep myself from babbling I ate.  My cup coffee was making waves because I shaking, (but it was not because of the cold) she has the most amazing eyes (along with dormant good looks and a killer voice) I’ve ever came across and she was staring. We had our first argument (fight) that day. I never been one to look at anybody when I speak (I hate school orals) she demanded me look at her as if I spoke with my eyes. I asked who are you to tell me what do. Your ride home she said. I kept quiet.

She left me watching T.V while she took a shower. I finally got hold of my sister and she told she will be home around seven (its 12:00 afternoon). We spent the day watching her collection of old movies and drinking tons amounts of milo.

Now the trouble starts. When she dropped off at home we had formed a friendship (platonic I say) worth pursuing is, but that what I thought. She had other thoughts. I was busy fidgeting she stopped me by whispering “that I know where you stay, and I shan’t stop till get what I want” played the fool and asked what it is was?  She looked straight into my eyes and said “you”. She had me. I ran out of the car.  She stole my number I found this out three days later when she called and said she outside. We went for a movie my choice this time, and she brought me home.

Three weeks later I went back home. This time her mom greeted me and said “today you are sleeping over you can have a change of clothes with the ones you left here the last time”.  I could not say no because there was going to be a braai so I was automatically invited. Here I got meet her family and everybody was friendly and welcomed me as the new girlfriend (they assumed and they were “wrong”).

After the braai the party moved on to their favorite hangout spot. Here I got meet her friends. I’m was new to gay this thing .I did not yet the signs, language, their ways. Can please state I was confused. I knew liked Wandi (a lot) but she was a girl. Could this be happening again that I’m falling for girl (happened back in high school) I asked myself? But I chose to live in the present and boi I’ll never forget that day.

In the midst of this gay (lesbain)  infested party my hormones started flaring. My body would react to the faintest touch, wandering eyes, sweaty palm, and jelly knees.  Wandi being Wandi was enjoying this. She whispered “self-control my lesbian virgin”.

I moved away from the crowd to go answer my phone. This is when I met and made a new friend Mapula (Maps).she pulled me to the side and said “Wandi is bad news she's like the ciggies that I’m smoking they taste good but they end up giving you cancer”.My answer to this was she’s only a good friend of mine. She laughed. “Get Wandi attention and when she looking, kiss me”. I’m not answered. If that’s true I’m standing here naked (to this day we still laugh at this).  Wandi arrived and hugged me from behind  I didn’t expect her I lost my footing. Maps cracked up and gave me pionted look. “Wandi you don’t have to show her off she not even gay Maps”."Oh yeah” Wandi said watch this. On the 26 of November 2008 I kissed a girl and I liked it.

The next morning  I woke up in now familiar room, with my phone ring in the distance and someone telling me not answer it.  I turn around to face this person and she says” I’ve got you”.

Im tired of typing. Next you get live our drama.Our joys, fights, break-up's and make-ups.  

Yeah......

Yeah I have my own blog...... I mean how random is this. Its not everyday that you come by person that has one. Or is it? Nontheless I have it and it needs to celebrated..

For those who would like to know what this blog is all about. My answer to you inquistive souls is that its about everthing that relates to nothingness.....Its about all the ramdom things that i come about every living day of my life... Its about my future my present and my past.. Its for my friends and foes.

Starting from today  U'll will get to experience my joy and my sadness.  My pleasure and my heartbreaks. My  up's and my downs. My good and bad days. I will let you into my dreams and shut you out of  my failures. I'll invite you into parties and let you sit on my dinners dates .we'll have supper together and I'll have desssert alone. We'll share my travels and  experience the adrenline.

Here's to me getting to mirror my soul in words.

aidios.