Being Twenty - something - they call it the "Quarter-life Crisis".

By Bee Made on Tuesday, June 8, 2010 at 4:26am · (Facebook note)

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.  You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.
What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.  You look at your job ... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger.

You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.  You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better.  Or maybe you love someone but they love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap.

Getting wasted and acting like an idiot doesn't seem as fun.  You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.  You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender! What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out. 

I fell in love with this true life story the day I read it… I resonate with everyone whether black, blue, male or female.  So dear friends here is some part of the  truth you’ve been searching for….

5 Months Later...

Being of the year I lost her (Wandi) to the soil. She passed on the first week of the year. Since we were not the greatest (closest) of terms her death shocked me none the less, and given that were supposed to be meeting to get good platonic term again did not help the matter.   She will forever   haunt me; if anything she will go down as of the most dominating figures that shaped me. Funnily enough the whole of last year we spent doing things to spite each other, and in retrospect we could have just sat down ironed our things out and become friends (then again it would be very uncharacteristic of charged relationship).  So let her beautiful soul rest in peace and where ever she is hope is good place, for she deserves nothing better… 

So the year started with me bumping into the harsh reality of life; life is too short and you never know what tomorrow will bring. After this big Ahh” moment I decided to slow down again. I shed a lot of things that connected me with joburg. I wanted a new start, a new break, and new friends.  Looking back I now realise I had them as friends because I wanted them to define me “you are the company you keep” it’s been said.  Not that I did not fit I just got tired of the gimmicks, the drama and constant bullshitting….So for the past 7 months it’s been good. NO personal drama. Good friends. I still hate school but I’m getting by well. I’m still in love with my parents and my sister. My weight is still undecided. And i finally dyed my hair (Yeaah!!!!).  So all in all it is been great.  Small Heaven I declare, stamp and sealed and signed. 

I know why I’m blogging? Well today my dear beloved marks the day (a 5 month ago) that universe showed its powers. A day that fate showed its cute face (its round, it’s got freckles and lazy mouth).  Yep I got have stare down with fate, it won by the way because I said yes to do on a blind date. Yes a blind date. In my case since I knew who was going to be sitting across table from me- which should tell you I have super natural powers- the blind date meant that I had trouble envisioning what our first date would be like. I mean this was my first not so blind date but it was daunting; I’m not one for surprises of this kind, I like to know which material (script) to use. You never know these days with people being overly sensitive about politics, money, weight, and childbirth. I would like to know which personality trait should shine above others; should I act as if I know a lot about everything or should act like a dumb wit, should use dry humour to test their intelligence or keep at the primary  talking animals jokes, should I act like love struck puppy or should I play hardball and be unaffected the sheer pleasure of their presence at the table, do I bring my wallet or do I conveniently forget mine at home…  I need to know should and should-not’s before the waiter ask us are we ready to order.

 Like if I were to be asked question like “so what do think Barack Obama?”  There can be one or two answers to this depending on the person. 1. I think he should not be in the running in the election because of lack of leadership skills or for his gross mishandling of the Gulf oil-leak crisis. 2. I like him.  You see my point.  

Well as blind dates or not-so-blind dates goes, I would give this a respectable 8.5 out 10. Firstly I woke with a moerse hangover, trust you me hangovers and nerves don’t go well together.  I made to it the meeting place in blue polka dot dress (I figured let me dress-up for once), with no appetite and bucket full of patience (she was an hour late). When she eventually appeared she got me drunk and I loosened up. We talked about nothing at all, I just remember is that I she was she best company I’ve had in a long while… 

Well it’s been 5 months and nothing has happened. Who’s to blame I figure it’s me.  The poor child has done nothing wrong but be herself. Since I know no-one is going be judgemental and if you are I don’t care, y’all are more screwed up than I am, I’m going tell you why I’m to blame.  This is classic case of ‘getting bored easily’, but since it’s me we talking about this statement don’t apply to me. I don’t get bored easily. It’s true.  I don’t like this statement, because people normally use this statement to get out of relationship easily, and not those types of peoples.

Let me set the record straight, she is awesome person.  She the total opposite of what I’m, yes I know opposite attract and live in harmony together. Like everyone else she has flaws, and they slowly but surely they getting to me.  Before I start listing her flaws let list first and then we compare which are justifiable.  

I’m not totally out yet; I’m up for the discussion of how, where, and when (if get my drift), whilst she rocking that I’m gay so what attitude. Hey I say kudos to her, but for now understand that not everyone is in the secret of why I hang with gay people.  While I’m a open book with blank pages, she is tightly closed volume with useful information to make the world understand her. Bra all I’m asking is your hopes and dreams and life story, cause I don’t believe that someone has lived up your age don’t have a story to tell. While in my case I prefer telling what one wants to hear. Trouble she learnt that I say a whole shit without saying anything at all, so she on one woman mission to find my core. I don’t have a core, and even if I do have one I don’t believe anyone in their right mind would find it interesting than it is disappointing, or is shocking. I would know because I don’t like digging deep within myself. So don’t ask me to go deep i hate it there, I know it’s unfair. Then in defence bra if won’t be vulnerable, why should i.  I can go on, but I don’t have the whole day I’m suppose to be typing an assignment (s).

  I will leave you with this, as I writing the piece it become apparent to me that It’s not that I don’t like her, is not I would not date her, is not that she not girlfriend material, Its that she not my type…

  

  Unfair .Shocking.Selfish. Insensitive. Disappointing. Immoral. I did say my core don't look good.

Dear my future

This is a letter for my future girlfriend, telling her all that want.

I want well-built body; I want beautiful boobs; I want remarkable eyes ; I want amazing hands; I want perfect cuticles; I want cute feet; I want heavenly voice; I want intellect; I want witty; I want crazy; I want sense of humour; I want questions; I want answers; I want curiosity; I want dreams; I want hopes; I want tears; I want laughter; I want walk away; I want walk in;  I want run after you; I want emotions;;I want subjective; I want objective; I want an overdose of love; I want to hate loving you; I want love addictions; I want love explosions; I want a love affairs;  I want uncontrollable feelings; I want butterflies every time I’m with you ; I want uncontrolled hormones; I want sensuality; I want fighting; I want ‘aah that our song’; I breakfast in bed; I want love notes; I want bedroom picnics; I want all weekend long stay-in’s; I want inseparable;  I want adventurous; I want spontaneous; I want meet your family; I want ‘ hi this my girlfriend Kent’; I want she the female and I’m male; I want dominance; I want ‘yes we are gay’; I want shopping; I want gallery exhibitions; I want a lot photographs; I want home videos; I want ‘want cook for me’ dinner dates; I want romance; I want passion; I want jealousy;  I want crickets matches; I want showers of attention; I want to celebrate valentine’s day; I want a promise ring; I want an engagement ring;  I really want wedding; I want a gay wedding; I want exotic honeymoon; I want children; I want to share tub; I want get high with you; I suicide threats; I want a dozen roses for my birthday want surprise birthday parties; I want to be your plans; I want a taste of heaven; I want long weekend away; I want massages; I want sex;  I want explosive sex; I want earth shattering multiple orgasms;   I want slow burning sex; I want have ‘let’s go a another round’ sex;  I want let leave and go have sex moments; I want i can’t enough you sex; I want have we can do better than this sex; I want toes curling sex; I want morning sex; I want to wake to your face; I your voice to be the one I wake up to and fall asleep to. I want be the thing you did right in life; I want you to be a reality; I want to be your mate to soul;    

I want this and more and I’ll give you all of myself and more….

I love you truly in advance.